Still lost in an editing haze…

So I am very close to being completing my second round of editing of Other Systems.

Sometimes things are easy to modify or just needed a few lines to clarify points.Or even just delete a detail that doesn’t add to the story. That’s not a problem. I am not the type of writer to think every word is golden, so I have no issue with changing things. However, there were a few lines that my editor  was utterly confused about what I was trying to say.

So I struggled and fought and went back to these comments again and again.  Sometimes I tried to answer the editor’s comment with a replying comment and as I type out the answer I found the solution, but there were five important lines, I just could not see how to change.

Finally last night in my writing group, I asked for help with one of these tricky pieces of dialogue.

Within a minute, I had my answer. I was missing a word.  But that one word clarified the whole thought which in turn clarified the whole scene. Then I saw where I could see clean up the language.

Original : The ship’s captain is speaking. “…Her transcripts will be sent to the New World Bank in Argent which will be sent on to my ship.”

So what was missing? The word: future. Since the ‘her’ in the sentence is presently in school, the editor and my writing group friend thought I was talking about the girl’s current transcripts, not her future ones.

First clean up: “…Her future transcripts will be sent to the New World Bank on Argent which will be sent on to my ship.”

Better, but doesn’t quite sound like character’s voice. My writing group friend suggested the word forward.

Second clean up: “…I want her future transcripts will be sent to the New World Bank on Argent which will forward them to my ship.”

We are close, but it doesn’t quite sound right yet.  But the writing group is over.

I go home and watch the last half of Deep Impact and the first half of Sixth Day with my husband before going to bed. Not are they both science fiction, but they also both have Robert Duvall in them.

This morning I wake up and see what I need to change.

Current: “…I want her future transcripts to be sent to the New World Bank on Argent. The Fleet Liaison will forward them to my ship.”

Phew! I am hoping the next five pieces of utter confusion are a bit easier to fix since I saw have seen how to fix this one, but if not, I know who to bug.

 

 

 

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